So here we are again in the dating series. Welcome to part 4, where I’ll be taking a slightly different form for the post – instead of coming up with points and ideas I want to get across, grabbing bits of scripture to back it up, I’ll be landing on one part of scripture and camping there.
Today we discuss what love is, how we show it and how it applies to us dating.
I’ll start by sharing the scripture we’ll be working from.
It’s the most popular reading at weddings and is straight out of the St. Paul
It is, of course, 1Corinthians 13:4-7 –
“Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.”
So let’s get to work.
Love is patient and kind
Stop!
We’ll camp here for a second.
Love is patient. How does that work? Well, I can say from personal experience that everyone reckons they know this one inside and out, but in reality it’s so difficult to live out.[1]
Last night I was reminded of this.
Sam and I spend a lot of time just talking about stuff, because I just love talking to her. I find it very easy to form thoughts and put my words together in order to convey a point as clearly as possible; Sam, however, does not. I’m often led down what I call a ‘conversational cul-de-sac’ by Sam, where she starts talking before she even knows what she’s trying to say, causing me to exhaust everything I could possibly say on the subject she’s chosen. Last night I got really frustrated with her as I had no idea what the hell she was trying to say and, instead of stopping her and asking what exactly she meant, I just got frustrated and snapped at her.
In this moment I wasn’t being very patient with her. I certainly wasn’t being very kind, either.
A lot of people see being patient as being able to wait for marriage before you ‘rock the casbah’, or they put up with them being in the bathroom forever, but it goes beyond that. It means listening to her when she’s talking about clothes (even though you’re not exactly fussed), it means loving her when she has a problem that you think is silly or that she’s blowing out of proportion, it means letting him build that piece of furniture the way he wants it to be done and not pointing out his ineptitude, it means going shopping with her and carrying her bags even though you’re missing the football, it means letting him have his time alone so he comes back to you restored and ready to love you.
Patience should soak into every interaction we have with the person we are dating, or are married to. I know it’s hard to do, but no matter what our default mode should be patient and kind.
Another example, since you asked:
I have a little memo block on my desk. Now, I’m really OCD about my desk being tidy and having no clutter on it, and things like loose pieces of paper or whatever just irritates me. Last night Sam wrote a lovely little note on a memo I had already written, and drew a load of hearts and stars on there; it was super cute. When I saw it though I instantly went “oh crap, my desk looks all cluttered!” and completely ignored the lovely message Sam had written, opting instead to say “don’t clutter my desk please, gorgeous” and to throw the note in the bin.
Later that same night I was praying and it suddenly dawned on me how my impatience had caused me to miss something really special. I had allowed my need for order and no clutter to rule my heart, to the point where I missed a really loving thing my girlfriend did for me. I text her straight away to apologise, hooked out the note, and as I sit and write this the note is sat next me on the desk.
On top of all this, being patient means you don’t pressure your date. You never push them into anything, because if you do then you’re not really loving them.
Ladies, if he is pushing you to sleep with him, he may seem like the greatest guy in the world and you may think you love him like no one’s ever loved before, but he doesn’t feel the same way. He is not loving you, he’s just using you.
Now, patient and kind go pretty much hand-in-hand. A good way to translate this is into “Love is considerate”.
I’ll speak to the ladies for a second here.
Ladies, 95% of the time your man has no idea what the hell you are talking about. I don’t know if this is a shock to you[2] but it’s the truth. It gets better over time, but only partially. So at the beginning of a relationship make sure you understand that the guy you’re with is probably simply smiling and nodding, being considerate and listening to something he has no clue about.
Ever seen a man pick up a woman’s magazine? Good Lord, the look on their face says it all. Ladies, get your boyfriend to read one of your magazines or novels and just see what his reaction is.[3]
But the point I’m making is this – girls, your boyfriend or husband probably has no clue what you’re saying some/most of the time, so occasionally just stop and ask “am I going too fast?”
I’ll tell you why this works – women have a different mode of conversation to men. Women will talk until they’re done whilst the other listens. When they’re done it becomes the other’s turn to talk, and so on. Men, however, will just talk when they have something to say, and will chip in with advice whenever.[4]
If you run off a stream of consciousness to him and don’t stop to let him say something from time to time he’ll get lost, so sometimes just ask him “know what I mean?” or “want me to slow down? I’m talking a lot!”
I guarantee this will make him love you even more. That’s being what Paul is asking for in the passage we’ve looked at, be patient, kind, considerate.
Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude
There’s a lot in this one so hang in there. I won’t break down each topic, I’ll bunch them all together.
Love is not jealous, or love does not envy. Let me explain this one. Did you have parents who had one of those marriages, where if one is unhappy the other can’t be happy? Where if one had something great the other had to get something greater? That one was always a little jealous of the other’s success, possessions, abilities etc?
That’s what Paul’s talking about here.
When you’re in a relationship and someone else does something awesome, or has something awesome, you don’t need to try and best them.
Men, I’ll talk to you on this one for a second.
If you’re with your girlfriend and she tells a story about something, you do not have to tell a better story.
I’m a git for this, I really am. I have to try so hard to just keep a lid on it.
So let’s unpack this practically.
Guys, let’s say your girlfriend has just been talking about how she won the tennis challenge on her Churches ladies group social meet, where none of them can really play, they just went for a giggle. At the end of the story you do not tell her how you used to play pro circuit as a kid but had to give it up because you were too awesome.
You just go “wow, really? That’s amazing, you’re so awesome.”
You don’t start “well, I used to hit 150mph serves…”, just shut up and let her have her glory.
This example pretty much encompasses all of the aspects, so I’ll give one more example.
Your boyfriend (obviously talking to the ladies now) has just started a new hobby – cartooning. He shows you his latest creation and it’s good, but it’s not incredible. You just say “that’s really nice, good job!” and you don’t tell him your uncle works for the design team at Disney and wipes his nose with stuff like this.
So when someone starts talking about something, what do we do?
We listen and let them have their glory. This, for me, means when Sam is talking about Law or shopping I don’t try to talk over her or talk about how awesome I am at something else, I shut up and listen, because I’m not jealous of her success and brilliance. I just shut up and listen, because I don’t need to boast and steal her glory. I just shut up and listen, because I don’t need to be rude about her in order to make myself look good.
Get into this habit now, I can’t stress this enough. Get used to hearing what they have to say and simply saying “wow, good job!”
It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.
I have to say, this one is definitely more a man problem than a woman problem.
I don’t mean to be sexist, that’s just my view on it, from what I’ve seen and witnessed.
I know that most men like to do things their way, and there’s good reason for this.
Ever seen a woman try to put up shelves? Or organise a schedule and budget?
Women just, typically, seem to struggle with this sort of thing, so men naturally take charge.
This is where this ties in a little bit with the previous point of pride.
Guys, when your girlfriend or wife tries to have input on a plan you’re making, or something you’re doing, don’t get proud and assume you know better – hear her out and take into account what she’s saying. She’s doing her job by being your helper, appreciate that as the loving gesture it is and move on from there.
To flip this around, Genesis tells us that part of the woman’s curse is that she would seek to control the man[5] so ladies, don’t let this get the better of you and become rude, or irritable, when you see him doing something wrong.
You all know these couples. The man starts something, the woman gets fed up of seeing him trying it his way and, instead of asking him lovingly if he needs help or graciously suggesting an alternative, she calls him a name and tries to take over.
I’ll tell you that this is not the way to go about anything as it will just make the man feel emasculated and disrespected, which will cause him to struggle to see you as anything but a shrew.
You see, wives and girlfriend can be glorious, or they can be painful. One of these is a crown, the other is decay. Which woman yours will be is all down to how you love them, men. If they feel valued (see previous point, you listen to them) then they will feel like they can offer suggestions. If you ignore them or talk over them you make them feel like they have to control you or be bullish in their attempts to help or influence.
The Bible says a lot on this type of woman. Men, as you read these passages meditate on the fact that how you love your wife or girlfriend is how you decide what type of woman they will be – crown or decay.
Proverbs 19:13 –
“A quarrelsome wife is as annoying as constant dripping.”
Proverbs 21:9 –
“It’s better to live alone in the corner of an attic
than with a quarrelsome wife in a lovely home.”
Proverbs 21:19 –
“It’s better to live alone in the desert
than with a quarrelsome, complaining wife.”
As a final point on this part (Corinthians, not Proverbs I just quoted) of the scripture, it says love keeps no record of being wronged.
This means you don’t have a point system.
I know some jokers who feel they have to get one up on their girlfriends and wives all the time. She goes out one night with the girls, so he goes out two nights with the boys. He sees a photo on Facebook of her dancing with her friends or (God forbid) another guy so he has to go out and sleep with someone. She accidentally makes him look foolish in front of friends, so he talks with malice inspired to disgrace her in front of her friends. Payback, baby!
That’s not how it works, you tool!
The worst I’ve ever seen is a guy found out about his girlfriend’s past, which apparently involved more sexual activity than him, so he got jealous, acted like a child and went out and cheated on her, as if he needed to catch up.
This guy’s a joke, and he’s a loser. He’s not loving his girlfriend, he’s pathetic.
Instead of making a new heading for the next point I’ll continue on as it sort of bleeds through, so to speak –
“It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.”
This basically means this:
You know when you’re with your girlfriend and you say something that she doesn’t hear right and gets angry with you? You then get annoyed that she’s got annoyed at you[6] and you let her think you said what she thinks you said; let her stew, she needs to apologise. You know that?
Yeah, guys, you’re an idiot if you do this.
What this part of scripture is saying is not to let any misunderstanding or injustice stand, be sure to set the record straight on everything. I have to do this with Sam quite a bit, and it’s hard! I know it’s hard, I have a lot of pride (unfortunately) and I find it annoying if Sam gets upset with me, but ultimately she’s more important than my stupid pride, so I make sure I explain properly and apologise for upsetting her.
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance
Know what this means? It means no matter what happens, no matter what issues you face, no matter what problems come your way, no matter what season of life you lurch into, no matter how tough things get you hang on in there.
Men, in the same way as Jesus loved us so much he went to the Cross for us, so he could save us and endure our sins whilst enduring the most physically painful torture humanity had thought up by this time, you too should endure anything that comes your way because you love your girl so damn much.
Women, in the same way that you follow Jesus because of the pain he endured for you, in the same way as you give your lives to Jesus because you know he does the right thing for you out of his total and undying love, it’s the same way you are to hang in there no matter what with your man, because you love him so much.
Am I saying there’s absolutely no basis for divorce? No. Obviously God doesn’t want women to stay in abusive relationships because of some misguided feelings they think are feelings of love.
Am I saying that every Christian guy should carry on dating a Christian girl even though he knows God doesn’t want him to be with her? No.
What I’m saying is that, within a good Christian relationship, there’s nothing you, your wife/girlfriend/husband/boyfriend can’t move through with God’s help.
In a less grandiose scale, this also means that you’re not to just get fed up with something. For instance, some women just have intimacy issues because of a history of abuse. They will need continual reassurance from their boyfriend/husband that they are beautiful, that they are sacred and special, that they have been washed clean by Jesus’ blood, and that you still love them no matter what has happened.
Guys, they may need to hear that every day. They may need to hear that 5,000 times a week. They may never stop needing to hear that.
If you love them like Paul calls us to, if you really love them, you’ll never say “I give up, I’ve been through this with you too many times now” and throw in the towel.
You’re a man of God, you’re following Jesus’ example, you don’t get to quit.
Okay, that’s enough now I feel.
Father God, I pray that this has helped elaborate on what you view love as. I pray I have done justice to your word and helped to explain it to the few who will read this post. I pray those few turn in to many as the message of how we should do dating spreads, and I pray for your grace and love on all the Christians out there who are going about their lives, trying to date as you call them to. I thank you for your word, Lord, and I thank you for helping me interpret it in a way some maybe don’t.
[1] I was one of the many who think “hell yeah, I’m, like, Mr Patient, baby!”
[2] God knows it shouldn’t be.
[3] If it isn’t bewilderment or a variation thereof I’d worry a little bit…
[4] This may be a little out. It’s from the book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and it’s been years since I last read it.
[6] Because how dare she, right?
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