Ok ladies, you patiently read through the previous post, directed to the guys, so now it’s your turn. You’ll find this post will take the same sort of structure and hit some of the same points as in the men’s post, but it will be from a different angle (i.e. hopefully yours). The tone will be different, the language and the examples will be different; not because I favour one sex over the other, I just know that speaking to women as should be done with guys gets you nowhere, plus I have practical experience of being a guy, I do not have any of being a woman. Obviously.
Once again I’m going to start the post with a quick preface.
My preface is this – I am not a woman, that’s pretty obvious. I do not have experience of being a woman, I do not have some Mel Gibson-esque power to read women’s minds[1], I just know what the Bible says, what Jesus taught and what I have learnt from other’s marriages and my relationship with Sam.
Because of this I do not believe I am the authoritative voice on how women think and feel[2], I simply offer insights where I have learnt them, so don’t flame me if you disagree on points.
That being said, let’s get right into it, shall we?
Femininity
Hardest word to bang out on a keyboard ever, I just got lost in ‘I’s and ‘N’s. It’s even harder to get your mouth around, frankly, but it’s where I’ll start my over-arching theme, much like I did with masculinity for the guys.
Let me begin by explaining a couple of things.
In this culture we, as in the general un-educated[3] public, consider the Bible’s teachings on men and woman to be hideously chauvinistic and cruel to women. This could not be further from the truth. This idea comes from misinterpretation of God’s word and from people in positions of authority[4] who have taught badly on this subject. Throughout history we have seen the Bible’s teaching on headship and leadership being abused to view women as second-class citizens.
This is not, in any way, the case.
Unfortunately this abuse of God’s word has caused two popular responses in women – Feminism and what I call ‘White-flaggers’.[5]
Let’s go through some examples.
- “You can’t tell me what to do just because you’re a man” – The angry feminist. These women are passive-aggressive towards any man that has authority over them, even their boss at work, or male policemen. They just see injustice everywhere, because they’ve been taught men are always trying to impress their wills on women. Every man is the enemy.
- “We need to make sure men aren’t in positions of authority, they can’t be trusted to make decisions like women can” – The aggressive feminist. These women don’t just dislike men in authority, they hate it. If their boss at a job would be a man they wouldn’t even work. The thought of dating a man is repulsive, so they sleep with women instead. They relegate men to position of occasional use, and would enslave them if they could. Thankfully this woman is a rare sight.[6]
- “I let my boyfriend think he’s right as long as I get what I want” – The controlling woman. This woman is happy to date a man as long as she gets what she wants, which these days is usually sex or money, or both. They abuse the men in their lives for their own purposes, never once affording them the same trust or care they are shown.
- “My boyfriend gets whatever he wants because he’s the man” – The classic white-flagger. This woman has given up on the idea of equality and allows herself to be like a toy for the man, even sinking to letting him abuse her in the unfortunate belief that it’s just how things work. These women are like chew toys for a dog.
- “No, honey, I don’t have an opinion” – Another white-flagger. This woman has given up on even forming opinions on things because she’s under the impression she’s not allowed. She’s had the wrong teaching that the man makes every decision without her input, because her opinion’s not worth as much as his.
- “You mean it’s not okay for him to come home and ignore me and the kids?” – White-flagger again, she’s been relegated to the mistaken identity of ‘sole care-provider’, thinking her husband doesn’t help with the kids because it’s woman’s work.
So that’s the different women, or as many examples I could think of for each of the two types.
I’ll give counter-arguments so you can see their viewpoints for the wrongs that they really are.
The feminists tend to view 1Peter 3:1 and Genesis 2:18[7] as chauvinistic, relegating women to second-class citizen status. The white-flaggers see the same passages as reasons to be weak and allow men to dominate them unlovingly. These views could not be further from the truth. When feminists and white-flaggers take these passages they take them completely out of context.
Let’s have a look at them in context.
Genesis 2:21-24 –
“So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. Then the man said,
“This at last is bone of my bones
and flesh of my flesh;
she shall be called Woman,
because she was taken out of Man.
Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.”
Let me stop here and break this down.
It begins with it not being good for the man to be alone in verse 8, implying that the wife is brought in to supplement and help him (characterised by the word “helper”) because he’s not good on his own.[8]
It then goes on to make the woman from the man. Part of the man is now part of the woman. What an honour! God forms them from one another to show their equal worth in his eyes. Adam then echoes this in the words that follow, which is actually a love song in the Hebrew, I believe.
It continues to round it all up by saying that man and woman, in marriage, become what? Become one flesh. You, as you are, are currently one flesh, and you’re super nice to yourself, right? Well, since a man’s wife is his own flesh you would imagine he would want to keep her safe and happy, in the same way he would for himself because, if they truly are one flesh, he’s doing himself a favour.
Feminists/White-flaggers also tend to overlook Genesis earlier on in the Bible.
Genesis 1:27 –
“So God created man in his own image,
in the image of God he created him;
male and female he created them.”
God created us in his image, esteeming us above other animals and creatures, because we have been honoured to carry God’s own image in this life.
Notice it says he created both man and woman in his image…
Pretty equal, right?
As for the part from 1Peter, here’s what it says later in the book.
1Peter 3:7 –
“Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honour to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.”
Let’s unpack this.
It clearly states, to start, that men are to be understanding and to honour their wives, protecting them as they can not protect themselves as well as men. Straight away we see men tasked with looking after, not abusing, women. At this point people who have a streak of the feminist in them will say “that’s inferring we aren’t capable of looking after ourselves! That’s so chauvinistic!” and to those women I would say this – if you were in a fight with a man I would give you far less chance of winning than I would another guy. It’s that simple. That’s why this characterises the affection and responsibility a man has for his wife, he has to constantly look after her and protect her; if something goes wrong and she gets hurt, whether it’s his fault or not, it’s his responsibility. This fits appropriately for Sam and I. She won’t mind me saying that she’s clumsy, and she’s a crier. She cries quite easily, and she hurts herself quite a bit due to clumsiness, both of which I find cute but that’s beside the point. None of the issues that she comes across that upset her are my fault, but they’re my responsibility. If I couldn’t prevent it happening it’s my responsibility to make sure I help her through it as best I can. We’re not even married yet, so think about how much more responsibility I will have when we are. That’s the role of the man.
Also, the passage refers to women as heirs to the grace of life. They are heirs, as equal heirs as men. Equality is coming out of my ears right now; how people can misconstrue that is totally beyond me.
Finally, it says that the punishment for a man who does not honour, love and protect his wife is what? God might not even listen to his prayers! If there’s a bigger reason for men to love their wives I’ve never heard it. God basically says “if you hurt or abuse my daughter I’m not going to answer your prayers to help you do it better; you’re on your own now, buddy.”
That, for me as a guy, is a terrifying thought. To think that my prayers may be hindered due to my lack of attentiveness to my wife is… It doesn’t bear thinking about, it’s just frightening.
So those are the passages in their context, and I hope you can see that they are not in any way condoning men to be commanding, dominating, harsh or abusive to their wives, or to segregate women to second-class status.
So from all of this we see that women are not to be viewed as anything short of strong individuals who have distinct and valuable roles in the family of God. One great example of a strong woman serving God is Ruth. One of only two women to have a book of the Bible named after her, Ruth is a strong individual who has incredible faith in the Lord. She is brave enough to leave her people, the Moabites, to go with Naomi (her mother-in-law) to Judah
Also I would recommend reading Proverbs 31, which is generally acknowledged as the epitome of a Godly wife. The woman in this chapter is a strong individual, who honours her husband and supplements and helps him in many ways. This woman is not the stereotypical white-flagger the world sees many Christian women as –
Proverbs 31:16-18 –
“She goes to inspect a field and buys it;
with her earnings she plants a vineyard.
She is energetic and strong,
a hard worker.
She makes sure her dealings are profitable;
her lamp burns late into the night.”
Proverbs 31:25-27 –
“She is clothed with strength and dignity,
and she laughs without fear of the future.
When she speaks, her words are wise,
and she gives instructions with kindness.
She carefully watches everything in her household
and suffers nothing from laziness.”
Does this sound like a woman who has given up her strength, opinions and individuality to you? It sure doesn’t to me.
So ladies, turn to your Bible and read about these strong women that the Lord has blessed.
So how does this affect my dating?
Ah my readers are so insightful, another good question.
This all affects your dating by ensuring you have a strong relationship with the Lord before you try to have relationship with a guy. I know that emotions during a relationship can run on hyper-speed, especially when it’s new and exciting, so to have a strong faith in the Lord is a way of ensuring that your emotions do not over-ride your decision-making abilities.
A strong faith in God will also help you to see that being married or having a boyfriend is not the be-all and end-all. I know a lot of Christian girls who have almost used God as a way to get a boyfriend; they do the whole ‘good Christian girl’ thing as long as they’re single, but as soon as a boy comes along they ditch God and do their own thing, sleeping with him and just generally hurting themselves and resigning themselves to a less than righteous time with whatever loser they’re dating. See, this is all because they never had Jesus as their number one priority, their ultimate goal was not to be a good Christian and live for Jesus, it was to get a boyfriend and they tried to use God to get what they wanted.
So to that end I’m going to go through a couple of principles to keep in mind whilst dating.
Your present is not always your present
A lot of people date and have a ‘good time’, sleeping around, doing pretty much whatever they fancy with whoever they fancy. Though this seems like a great time while you’re doing it, it’s ultimately not going to help you; it’ll come back and bite you on the ass one day.
Remember, your present will one day be your past, and that will affect your future.
I can testify to this.
I was somewhat of a rebel teenager, and I made a lot of mistakes. Now that I work with kids I get asked a lot of questions about what I was like at school, and what my teenage years were like, because I’ve been there and they’re interested. I now find it incredibly difficult to answer any of their questions. On the one hand I don’t want to lie to them, but on the other I don’t want to admit to being a little idiot, or to glamorise idiocy at school or whatever. My past, which was fun at the time, is now biting me in the ass.
The best example I can give of this principle is this – imagine you meet the guy of your dreams. You’re at a party and you see this dude who’s ridiculously handsome, witty, charming, fun and a Christian. You’re currently a gal who’s fallen from the path God has set for her and is sleeping around, having a ‘good time’.
You know this guy is the man of your dreams, and you get that “I have to have him, he’s ‘the one’” moment.
Imagine you ask your friends what they think of him, and they’re sweet, gospel-loving gals who aren’t sleeping around or whatever, and they say “yeah, he’s amazing; but a guy like that isn’t looking for a girl like you”.
That would hurt, right?
Now imagine you meet the same guy, same place, only this time you’re not currently sleeping around, though you have done in the past. You guys meet, hit it off, date for a while then start a relationship properly. You’re in love and you feel like God is calling you to marry this dude.
Imagine the look on his face when he tells you he’s waited for marriage, and you have to tell him you haven’t done the same thing. That he’s not the first, he’s just another in a long list.
I don’t say this to upset anyone who has slept with someone before now, God loves you, Jesus has forgiven you and any man worth his salt will forgive you too, without hesitation. Any real man won’t let it be a problem, and will love you even more to help you through any feelings of guilt you may have. I simply say this to make the point that what you do now has serious implications in the future, so don’t see your present as ‘girls just wanna have fun’, because sometimes that fun isn’t good for your life and your legacy.
To reiterate, I say this out of love for you, and from a desire to see Godly women pursued and loved by Godly guys, without any unnecessary issues.
As I touched upon in part 1[11], you need to guard your heart. Pick wisely who you spend time with, what you spend your time doing, how you view things and what you do in your relationships. Remember, as Christians God calls us to a higher standard than the rest of the world and culture.
Proverbs 4:23 –
“Guard your heart above all else,
for it determines the course of your life.”
Pick wisely
I’m going to personally call you to a very selective screening process when it comes to choosing who to date, ladies.
I’m going to give you a checklist to run through when deciding whether or not a man is worthy of dating you or not.
- Do you want to help him? Genesis 2:8, as we’ve covered, says that the woman is to be the helper. On top of this 1Corinthians 11:9 says the woman was made for the man[12] so you need to know if you’re going to be able to, or even if you’re going to want to, help this guy. Make sure he knows what he wants from the relationship (if his answer isn’t marriage you have my permission to tell him to get back on his trike) and what he wants out of marriage. For instance, if he wants to become a rock star and travel the world and you want a million kids with a Dad who is around for them, you’re not going to want to help this guy. If the two of you share the same life goals then you can, and should, be his helper to achieve these shared goals together, as one flesh, in marriage. Don’t date someone whose end goal isn’t the same as yours.
- Is he tough enough to remain tough in tough times? I asked Sam last night if she thought I was tough enough to stay strong for her no matter what. If her answer had been anything other than the emphatic ‘yes’ I got, I would have had some serious changes to make. As discussed in part 2[13], the man is responsible for everything that goes on in his house and with his family. If things start getting really hairy is he strong enough to remain strong and bear the load? If you don’t think he could handle your lives together as a strong man then don’t date him, he needs to grow up some more before he’s ready.
- Is his character that of a good Daddy and Role Model? Men are called to be great Dads, Ephesians 6:4 sets this out very clearly – “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger by the way you treat them. Rather, bring them up with the discipline and instruction that comes from the Lord.” So ask yourself this – “will he be a good Daddy?” Another way to look at this question is “do I want my sons to grow up like him?” because they probably will, and “do I want my daughters to date someone like him?” because you should.
- Is he considerate and gentle with you? As we’ve already discussed, 1Peter 3:7 says he should be understanding and show you honour. If he doesn’t do these things when you’re dating, a time when he is on his best behaviour, he’s unlikely to be that way in marriage. Make sure he’s always considerate with you, and he’s always gentle. If he isn’t then you can move right along, no one will blame you.
- Is he a one-woman man? 1Timothy 3:2 describes the necessary requirements for men if they want to be elders in church. I find it important to note that only the best men can be elders, according to this book, so every man should strive to the principles set down here. One of them is “He must be faithful to his wife.” So check and make sure he isn’t watching porn, or dating more people than just you. His entire dating and marriage experience should be a constant pursuit of you; if he’s looking at porn or cheating he won’t be pursuing you.[14] I’ve known gals whose boyfriend watches porn as, because she’s not sleeping with him as she shouldn’t, he says he needs a release, so he watches porn. I know some girls who have been in this situation and will sit and watch porn with this idiot! Like it’s her duty to ensure he’s being taken care of in this aspect… It’s just weird. Seriously, if your boyfriend is a Christian and is watching porn give him my e-mail and get him to contact me, because it’s unacceptable. DO NOT encourage or enable him to watch porn because you feel guilty that he’s struggling with sexual desires for you. Watching porn will only cause him to cheapen the way he sees you, and that will cause him to cease pursuing you. If you find out your boyfriend is watching porn you can go ahead and dump him, or report him to your church for the pastor to sort him out. The guy needs help.
So there’s a short checklist of some important points to keep in mind when selecting the guy you’re going to date.
Once again I ask you ladies to make sure the guys you consider are nothing short of any of these aspects; ask for the highest standard of man and make sure you get it.[15]
I think I’ll call it a day there, I know there’s a lot here to digest. Look out for part 4, coming in the near future.
Don’t forget - I’m looking to do a Q&A section at the end of the series, so please keep tweeting and e-mailing me your questions and I’ll endeavour to answer them. I’m even thinking about bringing Sam in on the post to answer questions from the ladies, so look out for that one.
Father God I pray that your daughters all take something valuable from this post. I pray for their hearts, that they are filled with your love and that they don’t seek to fill it with someone else’s in place of yours. I pray that the ladies who read this are convicted to call the men they date to the highest standard of living, in an encouragement to bring up the next generation of awesome Godly guys and gals.
Thank you Lord for your word, I pray that I haven’t misinterpreted it in any way in this post.
[1] Watch the movie ‘What Women Want’, Sam and I did not too long ago and it was a good little laugh.
[2] Frankly it bamboozles me as much as the next guy.
[3] Un-educated on this matter, not generally un-educated.
[4] Historically the organised Church as a whole, though it’s loads better now, and individuals throughout history.
[5] White-flaggers are women who have given up any hope of ever having any kind of dignity, equality or rights. They have given up.
[6] And they’re often quite a sight.
[7] “Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands” and “Then the Lord God said, ‘It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him’” respectively.
[8] Any woman and honest man will testify to this, guys are next to useless on their own.
[9] And he’s a damned good guy, as it says he is the “family redeemer” – Ruth 2:20
[10] Further proof of Ruth and Boaz’s blessing – the Lord Jesus Christ is a descendent of theirs.
[12] “And man was not made for woman, but woman was made for man.” – NLT.
[14] This is beyond the point that both of these things are sinful anyway.
[15] As pointed out in part 1 though make sure you’re not being too unrealistic.
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