Well, here we go.
I’d like to preface this post by saying three things:-
Firstly, I have a heart for guys. There are few things better then seeing a Godly guy really working hard for Jesus and his family, his wife, or whatever. I also know that most male evangelicals are not masculine men who are easily respected. Because of this I have a real heart to encourage men to seek Jesus and seek to be more masculine. This is a big job so this will be a long post.
Secondly, this post is going to be written in a way that is suitable to guys and may, at times, offend or make uncomfortable those who are more, for lack of a better word, ‘delicate’ (such as women or younger readers).
Thirdly and finally, I’m not writing this because I know everything about being a Christian man in a Christian relationship, I don’t. I’m writing this because I want to share what I have learned and am striving to put in practice. I get things wrong too, so when I call guys foolish or a joke in this post, there’s every chance I could be included in that.
Anyway, on with it.
Masculinity
So many guys just get masculinity wrong. They either go way too far on one side, becoming total idiots who think being a man means farting, belching, spitting and fighting; or they go the other way and think it’s to be lovely all the time, never stand up for themselves and are just a joke.
The latter tends to be the problem with Christian guys these days.
I know from experience that walking into a church, or Christians conference, can be a harrowing experience. It’s usually wall-to-wall guys in lemon yellow cardigans or striped shirts and hideously over-sized stone-washed jeans. You walk in and just think “I bet none of these guys have ever watched UFC.”
Those men are hard to respect, right? Floating around like a fairy, crying whenever a kid in the youth group picks up their crayon to draw a flower.
It’s just sad, hardly anyone seems to have any balls anymore.
Anyway…
I’ll start by explaining what masculinity is and is not. Here are examples of what masculinity is not:
- “Women cry and hug, so I don’t” – These guys don’t know what a man is, but it sure as hell isn’t a woman, so whatever women do he doesn’t.
- “My girlfriend is so fit, look how good she makes me look” – This type of guy sees any woman he manages to snare as simply another thing to make him look good in front of others; his world revolves around his status and his possessions, his girlfriend or wife being one of these.
- “My girl does what I say else she gets it” – This guy has a lot of anger and a short temper, because he mistakenly believes being a man means being an aggressive moron. He’s just harsh and keeps his girlfriend/wife ‘in check’ by making her terrified of him.
- “I’m the boss, so do what I say” – Another example of a man who likes to control his wife or girlfriend, instead of loving and serving her by leading sacrificially. These guys just order their family around like a drill sergeant, making their wives miserable and their children hate them.
- “What do you mean I’m never there? I work hard so you’re fed!” – This one’s more a marriage one than a dating one, but none-the-less it needs to be mentioned. These are the guys who work hard all day, go to the pub with their friends after work instead of coming home, and when they do walk through the front door they just sit in front of the TV and check out. They’re not involved in the lives of their family/wife because they’re afraid to be.
- “I’ve not finished my under-grad degree yet, you go work and I’ll be the stay-at-home Dad” – No! Just no! Any man who wants this as their future has no place even considering a dating relationship, let alone marriage. They may be a total sweetheart but women have a mother-son love for this guy, not a husband-wife/boyfriend-girlfriend love.
- “What do you mean no one respects me? Everyone comes to me for a good time!” – Yeah, they come to you for a good time but not a good legacy. You’re not respected, you’re a joke. Women tire of the guy who takes no responsibility and just always wants to have fun very, very quickly.
Okay? I know that list is fairly extensive and kicks quite a few guys in the crotch, but it’s necessary. So let’s look at what masculinity is…
- Jesus
Pretty straight-forward, right?
If you want to know how to be a man just pick up your Bible and read about Jesus. Why?
- A man must take responsibility for himself, which Jesus did by working hard at a job, essentially paying his own bills as we should as men.
- A man should take responsibility for others in addition to himself. He does this by taking responsibility for his wife and children by paying the bills for them all, ensuring his wife/girlfriend is always happy and remedying any problems that are making her unhappy, paying for his girlfriend whenever possible (such as at the movies, out to dinner etc). Jesus showed us how high we should set the bar when he took responsibility for our sins, dying for them on the cross.
- Jesus led both himself and others in their spiritual lives, leading them closer to God. It may not be as easy for us guys, since we’re not God like Jesus, but that’s what our role is in our relationships: we are to lead our girlfriends/wives/children in prayer and their Christian lives.
- Jesus also gave the best example of how a husband should act. Many people argue he didn’t because, hey, he didn’t have a wife, right? Well, the Bible has this to say on the subject – “For husbands, this means love your wives, just as Christ loved the church. He gave up his life for her to make her holy and clean, washed by the cleansing of God’s word.”[1] So I guess that means Christ did a bang-up job of showing us how to love our wives, regardless of whether or not he actually took a female, human wife. He died for his bride, the Church, and we should be willing to die for our brides.
So where does this leave us, in relation to the original examples of guys? Well, Jesus wept[2] so we too can weep.[3]
Jesus never took advantage of women, using them as ways to boost his image. In fact, Jesus actually taught and spoke to women that the culture at the time would have looked down on, showing them affection and grace.[4]
Jesus never intimidated women, nor did he speak harshly to them. One woman touches his robe and when Jesus asks who it was she fears his retribution. Jesus deals with this woman in a caring and gracious way.[5]
And so on, I think you get the point I’m making.
So how does this affect my dating?
A good question!
I’m done pointing out that as you are you’re not ready to date or marry, it would be too cruel to keep that thread going.
Instead I’ll go through a few things that are important to know for marriage, and how we can prepare for them when dating.
I might even give examples of how I personally have ballsed up certain things and have, by the grace of God, learnt from them (so maybe you won’t have to get it wrong yourselves).
The man is the head of the house
The man was made to be the leader of the household and the woman is to be his helper. This was set out in Genesis when Adam was made first and Eve was made as his…
His what?
You got it – his helper.
Let me break this down a little.
The man is the head, but that’s head with a little ‘h’. God is the Head, big ‘h’. The man is leading as long as he is following Jesus.
So, first practical point – men, if you ever want to lead your wife, lead your house, you have to be humble enough to put yourself under God’s authority, otherwise you will be a harsh and abusive dictator in your family. Get right with Jesus before you even start dating. Make sure your relationship with Jesus is strong and you’re following his lead, then try adding a relationship with a gorgeous Godly girl to it. Remember, God is always your number 1 priority.
I just want to point out that one of the biggest emotions a woman will experience when giving her life to a guy (that’s you ‘n’ me) is fear.
She will be terrified of committing to a man she will have to submit to[6], in case he doesn’t lead her well. When we lead we are to be sacrificial, meaning we make decisions based not necessarily on our own best interests and instead on that of our wives. We are to be loving, meaning we are to show affection to our wives, even if the choice we’ve made is for their benefit and maybe makes life a little tougher for you (like having to get a second job so she doesn’t have to work).
Going back to Adam and Eve, when Satan tempted Eve what did Adam do?
Nothing.
There’s 2 things to take from this. The first is that, as head of that marriage, it was Adam’s job to ensure Eve’s safety. That’ll be Adam dropping the ball then. This was a sin of omission, where Adam did not act when he should have.[7]
Second, although Adam didn’t physically do anything wrong, who does God call for afterwards?
Adam.
You see, in marriage it may not be your fault, guys, but it’s your responsibility. Think you can handle that? You’ll be on the sharp end of everything. Throw kids into that and once again you’re on the sharp end of any issues with them, as well as yourself, as well as your wife.
So remember guys, you may be nervous about committing to someone for your entire life, but she’ll be terrified.
How does this affect you in dating? Well, if women are naturally prone to fear because they don’t know if the guy will be a good leader, try being a good leader in your dating relationship. Make decisions based on her best interests routinely, continuously ensure she’s safe and you’re attending to her needs, pay for things so she knows you can handle money, be honouring of her in front of others. You get the idea. If she can see that you’re going to be a good husband who will look after her whilst you’re dating then she’ll be far less fearful when it comes time to get hitched.
Your wife is your standard of beauty
This means the person you find most beautiful in the world is your wife. If someone says “picture your perfect woman, picture the person you think looks perfect” you should immediately imagine your wife. The Bible says we are to be “captivated” by our wives and should steer clear of immoral women.[8]
So where am I going with this?
Porn.
Yeah, we knew I’d hit it eventually.
Porn is killing marriages, killing relationships, killing people. Porn is bad all the time, in every way and in every sense. Any Christian man caught watching porn should, in my opinion, have the biggest Bible to be found dropped on his head from a height of several feet. And I’m not necessarily talking about the one on the end of his neck.
You see, these days a lot of guys have their standard of beauty as something that isn’t their wife, which is only compounded by porn. In some cases porn is the sole reason for it.
Let me explain.
When guys watch porn they begin to see women as parts, as things, instead of a whole person. I know this from experience, and I’m sure you do too – I’ve sat and listened to countless conversations between friends of mine that went along these lines:
“(Insert porn star’s name here) has got amazing boobs, imagine those on (insert girlfriend’s name here).”
“Yeah, but what about (insert porn star’s name here)’s downstairs? Add that in for a start.”
That’s obviously the tidied up version, but you can clearly see that they’ve thought of these woman as parts, swapping and changing as they see fit, creating a desire for a woman that can not possibly exist.
So if you watch, or have watched, a lot of porn you’re going to find it really hard to see your wife as your standard of beauty.
Never is this shown more obviously than in the dating period.
When you date, you are deciding whether or not you’re suited for marriage, and part of that includes deciding if you’re attracted to every aspect of that person.[9]
If you are constantly comparing her to other women, particularly to the porn stars you’re seeing at night, as you sit in the glow of your laptop with a box of Kleenex to hand, then you’re going to find it seriously hard to get the whole attraction.
She’ll know too, if you’re comparing her in your head. She’ll spot you if you start looking other women up and down, as you sit at the dinner table of a restaurant with her.
Don’t be that guy. Please, don’t be that guy.
Put down the hand cream, shut off the computer, repent of your sin, and start following Jesus’ example of manliness.
No stay-at-home Dads
I’m serious about this.
At no point does the idea “I’ll be the stay at home Dad!” ever become a good one. If you’re planning on sending your wife off to work while you stay home with the kids then you’re a joke and you should get on your bike and ride home, little boy.
How can a woman respect a man who doesn’t earn his money, doesn’t work hard for her all day and doesn’t take the responsibility of the family’s well-being seriously on his own shoulders?
Answer – they can’t. They don’t.
I’m not saying there aren’t extenuating circumstances where it’s fine for a man to stay home; for instance the guy may be a craftsman by trade and one day suffers a stroke or illness that causes him to lose the use of his hands. That guy has a good reason to not be able to work.
There are good reasons for a guy to stay home, but you don’t have one.
The Bible says this on the subject –
“But if anyone does not provide for his relatives, and especially for members of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.”[10]
Yeah.
The guy who’s staying at home while his wife works hard to provide for their family is worse than a non-believer…
I’ll let that sink in.
Some people will say “don’t be a hater”, but frankly I don’t care what label you give it, just ask yourself if your friend came up to you and told you he sits home all day while his wife works hard to keep him would you respect him more, or less?
“So how does that affect me dating?” I hear you ask.
Once again I point to the fact that dating is basically preparation for marriage. If you set the precedent early that when she’s with you she doesn’t have to pay for anything, you’re on the right track.
In this ‘enlightened’ (aha) world we live in, it’s generally accepted that when a couple goes out on a date they split the bill.
Well, I’m going to tell you that the world is, well, wrong. Surprise!
Next time you take a girl out to dinner you pay the bill, you even pay the tip. You drive. If you can’t drive you pay her back for giving you a lift (this can be via a gift later, I know just handing cash over can be seriously awkward). If you have to take public transport somewhere then you pay for her.
I try really hard to make sure I always do this. When Sam and I went out for a meal for her friend’s birthday I paid for her and for myself, I even paid everyone’s tip.
I took Sam to see Thor[11] and paid for it then too. It cost way more than I expected, but who cares? She’s worth every penny, and I want to enforce that from day one.
Women want to feel cared for and looked after, so men – pay the bill.
Men want respect, Women need love
This is straight out of Ephesians 5, verse 33 –
“So again I say, each man must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.”
You see men, women are going to struggle to respect you if you have the whole ‘stay-at-home Dad’ mentality (or SAHD syndrome), because you’re not showing them the love they require, that they need.
To further this point, women need your love continuously, it’s not like you can say “I love you so much” once on a Monday and expect them to get through to Sunday on that. They need constant shows of love and affection to feel safe, enabling them to give you the respect you want.
To this end, you need to spend a lot of time with your wife/girlfriend. When you’re married this means spending time at home.
You’re not the guy who takes his wedding ring off to go to the sports bar with his single friends after work.
You’re not the guy who goes straight to the pub after work, coming home to have dinner then either watch TV or sleep, never once engaging with your wife.
You’re not the guy who works all week then spends the weekends golfing with your friends from work.
You’re the guy who is home, loving his wife and spending time with her.
In a dating relationship this means scheduling as much time as you can to see her. I know Sam feels really loved when I say to her “I have such-and-such a day free, why don’t we see if your friends are free and meet up with them for a while”[12] or “my buddies invited me out on Friday night to the pub, would you like to come?”
It’s as straight forward as involving her in your plans, ensuring that she feels loved. It’s also ensuring you’re able to fit in around her plans. This is one I struggle with, I often feel neglected if I feel Sam’s putting someone else before me, but it is important to make sure I not only allow her to do whatever she needs to do, but also be waiting for her when she’s done, to be there.
I may cancel things for her, but that doesn’t mean she has to cancel things for me. That’s what loving someone sacrificially is about.
Another point to make on this is that when you’re with her, and when you’re not, you need to honour her with your words.
You’re not the guy who sits at the bar with his buddies, making crude jokes at your girlfriend’s expense, or sounding off to whoever will listen about what annoys you about her. This doesn’t mean you can’t talk about any issues ever, but it means you need to find one person who is wiser and more Godly than you, who has a wife who he cares for and looks after well, and seek his counsel.
Beyond this it is important to remember – you talk to your wife or girlfriend, not about her. Any issues you have you should take them to her and just talk them through, this way she will feel loved and not abused.
You’re hers, she’s yours
In marriage, the husband belongs to the wife, and vice versa. It says this in 1 Corinthians 7:4 –
“The wife gives authority over her body to her husband, and the husband gives authority over his body to his wife.”
So in marriage this means that when of you want to get freaky, so does the other.
This means in marriage the husband asks his wife whether he can go to certain places with certain people, and vice versa.
This means the wife asks her husband what clothes she should wear, hairstyle she should have, perfume to buy, and vice versa.
Practically applying this to dating is slightly more difficult, as there is no authority in a dating relationship, but it can be done. Let’s just take the principle and try to apply it to certain situations.
Sam and I often shop together, if I’m going to buy something I want her to like it on me, obviously, so I take her to get her opinion. If I pick something up and it gets that “no chance, buddy” look I know to put it down, whether or not I like it.
The same goes for Sam, she often picks things up and says “would you like me in this?” and she either gets a yes or a no. If it’s a no then she doesn’t buy it, because she wants to look attractive to me; she’s very loving that way.
I’m also nearly out of cologne (after-shave) so when I go to buy more I’ll be taking Sam with me, so she can give an opinion on what she likes to smell because, hey, she’s the only one whose opinion matters.
If you put this practice into your dating relationship you will be setting a good precedent for loving and honouring her that can be followed easily once married.
So I’m going to end the post here, despite the fact that I haven’t touched on everything I wanted to.[13]
I’ll be dealing more with these issues from the woman’s perspective in a later post, so keep an eye out for that. I’m also looking to do a Q&A section at the end of the series, so please keep tweeting and e-mailing me your questions and I’ll endeavour to answer them. I’m even thinking about bringing Sam in on the post to answer questions from the ladies, so look out for that one.
I pray that any guys who have read this haven’t had their pride swell-up, thinking they’re better than every example here. We all have faults in the area of dating and we should all be trying to work on them, by the grace of God; so I pray the Holy Spirit convicts all of us to work on the specific area(s) in which we are lacking. I pray for the Christian men who are out there dating right now, I pray that they are honouring and loving their girlfriends, and that they’re preparing to raise up the next generation of awesome Godly kids.
[1] Ephesians 5:25-26
[2] John 11:35
[3] I wouldn’t recommend doing it much, I’ve always said guys shouldn’t be criers, but it’s okay to when the moment is appropriate.
[4] John 4:7-30
[5] Mark 5:25-34
[6] I’ll get onto this when I write a post for the gals.
[7] This is the opposite of the sin of commission, acting in a way in which you should not.
[8] Proverbs 5:18-20
[10] 1 Timothy 5:8
[11] I would recommend seeing it, it’s fantastic.
[12] I don’t do this even close to as much as I should.
[13] 3.5 thousand words is waaayyy long for a post anyway.
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