Dating: Part I – The Basics

When I first started this blog I decided I wasn’t going to touch the topic of dating for some time. I thought it might be too touchy a topic and to tread carefully around it, feel it out (probably shouldn’t have said it that way).

I’ve changed my mind.

Dating in the culture we live in has become so lost and, frankly, depraved that I felt it important to get this out onto the blog, just in case it benefits someone.

The topic is, of course, how to date righteously as a Christian.

The Basics

In Genesis we see that our God is a Trinitarian God; that is one God, three persons – God the Father, God the Son Jesus Christ, and God the Holy Spirit. As these three persons our God lives in perfect community and connection.

We are made in the image and likeness of God[1] and as such we yearn for the perfect community and connection our God has in the Trinity.

God, in his loving goodness and grace, saw that “it is not good for the man to be alone”[2], so he made Eve as Adam’s “helper”[3].

Adam then sings Eve a love song in Hebrew –

“This one is bone from my bone,
and flesh from my flesh!
She will be called ‘woman,’
because she was taken from ‘man.’”[4]

God then officiates the first wedding, essentially leading his daughter, Eve, down the aisle as we still do today when the bride’s father walks with her.

We also see that there is no shame, when married, to be naked in front of one another and that this is God’s intention.[5]

Unfortunately, sin then proceeds to enter the world and the human race becomes cursed –

“Then he said to the woman, “I will sharpen the pain of your pregnancy, and in pain you will give birth. And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.”

And to the man he said, “Since you listened to your wife and ate from the tree whose fruit I commanded you not to eat, the ground is cursed because of you. All your life you will struggle to scratch a living from it. It will grow thorns and thistles for you,
though you will eat of its grains. By the sweat of your brow will you have food to eat
until you return to the ground from which you were made. For you were made from dust, and to dust you will return.””[6]

It is this cursed life in which we now live and date, which is why for a lot of people it’s just so hard.

To ensure that this fallen world isn’t what you’re turning to for your dating prototype and aid-giver there are 2 questions I’d like you to work through honestly.

How is your relationship with Jesus?

Ultimately, any relationship in your life should be second to your relationship with Jesus. Every relationship you have, especially your marriage and dating relationship, is going to ultimately succeed or fail by how well your relationship with Jesus is going.

For men this means that following Jesus is the most important thing, because once you do that then the Holy Spirit will be able to help you be faithful, loving and committed to his daughter. Following Jesus will allow you to be the head of the household, leading your wife and family along the path Jesus leads you. Only then will your wife trust you, submit to your authority, and know she can follow you without fear.[7]

For women this means following Jesus will allow you to submit to his authority (within marriage, there is no headship in dating) and helping you to not let your curse control you – “and you will desire to control your husband”. When a man and his wife are following Jesus it’s a beautiful thing. She knows he’s following Jesus, so she trusts him and relinquishes her attempts to control him, simply trusting that he will do what’s best for her.

How is your relationship with Jesus?

Are you believing any cultural lies?

You guys, are you watching porn? Are you reading the guys magazines like Esquire, Playboy, GQ etc? Where are you getting your views on masculinity – God or culture? In our culture it seems that the most masculine guy is the guy who can spit farthest, or sleep with the most girls, or drink the most beer. This isn’t being a man, that’s being a douche. It’s not a man, it’s a joke.[8]

You girls, are you reading the girly magazines that hold celebrities in esteem for their dangerous behaviour? Are you reading the magazines who say “skinny is best” then show a model whose body type you couldn’t get without being ill? Are you watching porn (I know this isn’t just a guy thing now)?

Guys and girls, you need to know that you shouldn’t be allowing culture to shape how you dress, how you act, or how you view things. Good Christian teaching, your Bible, and Christian community/church should be doing this.

Remember, we are not to be of this world, despite being in it.

Romans 12:2 –

“Don’t copy the behaviour and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think.”

So how do Christians date?

The most important thing to understand is that the ultimate goal of dating is marriage. We date because we want to find someone to marry.

Not to find someone to hop into bed with.

Not to find someone to live with.

Not to find someone who is fun for a while.

Not to find someone who will make us look good in front of our mates.

Not to find someone who will boost our ego.

We’re trying to find marriage.[9]

So, with all that in mind, here are a few principles to keep in mind when considering dating, or when you are dating, as a Christian.

Do not pursue a relationship until you’re in a season where marriage is possible.

For instance, if you’re 15 in High School then dating isn’t for you right now, as you can’t realistically begin to consider marriage. Maybe it’s only 6 months until you’re off to another country for 5 years? Yeah, maybe dating’s not for you as you can’t consider marriage.

Within this point is that you should maximize your singleness for God. When you get married and (God-willing) start popping kids out, you aren’t going to have a lot of free time. When you’re single you have nothing but free time, so use it. Start doing something awesome for God. Volunteer for as much as they’ll have you for at your Church; just do something with your singleness that’s pleasing to God.

Might I suggest the children’s ministry? Guys, don’t over-look this! Lots of cute girls all looking after babies, add you into the mix and you have you, gal, child… You’re half way there!

Be reasonable with your expectations.

Some people, I find, are waaaaaayyyy too picky! Some gals say they want a 6 foot 1, blonde guy with blue eyes, who can sing, knows how to cook lobster, can earn a minimum of £100,000 a year, comes from an Irish background, has tonnes of time to spend with her and the kids, loves a certain kind of rare flower, and who plays right midfield for Manchester United.[10]

That’s not going to happen. Well, it’s probably not going to happen for you, though I’m sure it has for maybe one person in the history of the world.[11]

Some people aren’t picky enough though. They’ll take anything with a pulse. This is usually guys, frankly, as most of them are so useless they’re just happy someone’s interested.

No Non-Christians!

Oh you knew it was going to come up, come on. A lot of people wonder as to the accuracy of this point; just looking it up on the internet (I do research most of my posts, don’t look so shocked) I came across tonnes of discussion boards and topics to do with this subject and it seemed everyone knew it wasn’t right, but no one could give a Biblical quote.

Well, here’s a couple for you.

2 Corinthians 6:14 –

“Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? And what union can there be between God’s temple and idols? For we are the temple of the living God.”

Deuteronomy 7:3-4 –

“You must not intermarry with them [non-believers]. Do not let your daughters and sons marry their sons and daughters, for they will lead your children away from me to worship other gods.”

I know a lot of people find this hard and, to be honest, it is hard, especially for girls![12]

I know from experience how hard it is to wait and just not date anyone until the right someone comes along, but it’s worth it. God calls us to be an example to others and, honestly, jumping in with any ol’ guy or gal who comes your way is not the example we’re called to set.

Ephesians 5:3-4 –

“Let there be no sexual immorality, impurity, or greed among you. Such sins have no place among God’s people. Obscene stories, foolish talk, and coarse jokes—these are not for you. Instead, let there be thankfulness to God.”

Get the total attraction.

To girls this will seem obvious, to guys this seems ground-breaking.

“You mean we have to like more than just their ‘swerve’? Woooaaah…”

Yes, dude; you have to like everything, not just that they’re a total hottie.

“What does this mean?” I hear you ask. Well, I hear the guys ask.

This means you have to be attracted to them physically, mentally, emotionally and spiritually. It’s a total attraction that you’re looking for.

Are they like-minded on topics such as sexuality, gender-roles and faith? If so you have spiritual covered.

Do they have attractive responses when problems arise or do they flip out because they’ve dropped their ice cream? If they have attractive reactions then they’re probably emotionally attractive.

Do they stimulate you when you converse with them? Do they ask insightful questions or do you find them boring? The opposite is always true, are they too intelligent for you? For instance, if you’re a construction worker who doesn’t like words with more than 3 syllables then you’re probably not suited for a relationship with an Oxford-educated lawyer. Are they mentally attractive?

Are they a total hottie? Then they’re physically attractive. No more explanation needed, I feel…

Guard your heart.

If you get nothing else from this post let this be what sticks in your head.

Guard you heart.

Don’t invest in a relationship without assessing it thoroughly and praying about it a lot. When I was deciding whether or not to date Sam (my girlfriend, which you’ll know if you follow me on Twitter or read this blog regularly) I spent months praying about it as we continued to meet up. I considered whether she ticked all my boxes[13] and whether I could consider her for marriage.

I was trying to guard my heart, and hers.

Proverbs 4:23 –

“Guard your heart above all else,

for it determines the course of your life.”

Guard your heart.

So, well done for hanging in there; that’s the basics of Christian dating! Over the posts of this series I’ll go through both the male and female roles in relationships individually, how to interact with one another once you’ve made the step into a relationship, how sex is to be viewed, and I’ll hopefully be doing a Q&A post on the topic of dating (if you wish to ask a question please e-mail me or get me on Twitter).

I pray this post has been beneficial to everyone and has been accurate throughout. I pray that it has been pleasing to you, Father God. I also pray that the other posts in the series, which are yet to be completed, are also beneficial and pleasing to you, Lord God. I pray I get some good questions and your Spirit settles on my mind as I attempt to answer them as best I can.

Come back soon for Part 2!

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[1] See Genesis 1:27.

[2] See Genesis 2:18.

[3] Ibid.

[4] See Genesis 2:23.

[5] See Genesis 2:25.

[6] See Genesis 3:16-19.

[7] See 1Peter 3:1-7.

[8] I’ll cover this further in a later post in this series, which may well be inflammatory for some of you (you will need your cup on).

[9] For further discussion read 1Corinthians 7.

[10] I may have just (completely inadvertently) described David Beckham?

[11] Probably Posh Spice. See above.

[12] I’ll get onto this very soon. Guys, get your cups.

[13] See above heading – Total Attraction.